It's been a while...

so I figured I would update this page. Well, let me just start with, what a year this has been already! I have experienced some the most emotional, dramatic, and straining events in my life this year (and it is only April).

Anyone who has read this blog knows the first one. Second one... The illness and death of my grandmother. As sad as this is, I am willing to accept and celebrate this because I understand that this is how life works. My grandmother was an incredibly strong woman and has more life experiences than one can point a stick at. She created a beautiful and intelligent family who cared for and respected her. Thus, I celebrate this loss. It definitely hurt to see her go, especially because I came to realize how much I wish I knew her better... but life goes on.

Then the sudden death of my cousin. This has taken a lot of tolls on me. Anger, depression, disgust, pain, confusion, regret... the list goes on. With out going into the details of this event one can imagine that the life of a family member, a friend, a childhood playmate just being stripped away instantly is incredibly painful. I have grieved because of this more than ever before.

Now, from all these events I take what I can away from them. I learn what I can. I understand the frailty of life more and more yet I refuse to fear it. I love my family and friends more than ever. I am getting closer to understanding that the time is now, and the place is here. Emotions come and go, so I try to express them when I can. Just enjoy it while you have it and share it when you can.

to be or not to be.................sober

I really don't know where I am going to go with this post, so bear with my scrambled thoughts and logic. A question that has been lingering in the back of my head for sometime now is, "When am I going to stop drinking?" I definitely would not say that I have a drinking problem, or that my life revolves around drinking. However, I will admit that I drink far to much from time to time and I have no idea why I lose control. I grew up a partier. Throughout high-school and college I drank and drank and drank... binge drinking, keg parties, bottles and more bottles. Since then I have cut back a lot. These days I tend to stick to more refined beverages that I enjoy the flavor not so much the drunk. But, who am I kidding? I still drink to get drunk! Why can't I stop once I start? Is it my past... is there and underlying problem... is it my heritage? I think that it is none of the above. I think that it is the disconnect from reality that I truly need. There are other ways to unplug without a substance and I am working on that. However, the close I get to unplugging I always feel that my desire or urge to drink hinders my progress. On occasion, I become unbelievably high on life. It is the best feeling I have ever had! True happiness. On none of these occasions was I drinking. So as much as I enjoy drinking and partying with friends or family, ultimately it is ruining my quest for personal happiness. I do not necessarily think that the drinking, or partying, or the hangovers, or the late nights is what disrupts my quest. I think that it is the desire! The want to do it! If I could drink without urge, then I could have have my cake and eat it too!

Comments or ideas?

the winter blues

Last night I was out with a friend. It came up in discussion how the winter makes her depressed. I assume for many different reasons. One loses their desire/freedom to go outside as they please, 'locking' them to their home for months on end. Social lives deteriorate. Sexual adventures, i.e. flirting with your sex of choice, dating, 'hooking up,' and of course sex all seem to go out of season for a period of time. How does one cope? My first answer was to take in the beauty of it. Look at how beautiful the ice covered trees are. How surreal landscapes become with a fresh coat of a white dusting. And when that becomes not enough. Spend time with the ones you love...become closer to them than ever before.

Then I thought, "no... thats not right! Yes those view points will help one cope for the winter days, but how do you avoid having to cope at all?" I don't cope. I don't have a problem with winter even though I deal with the same depressing scenarios as everybody else. I suppose this is why my friend decided to talk about this dilemma with me. So, I had to pose a question to myself. "Why don't I get depressed, and thus have to cope?" Well, the answer is, I just don't care! I do not care about anything that is depressing because I know that it is only temporary. I just don't think about it. I have cleared my mind of those depressing thoughts, which keeps me alive and well. It allows me to have fun, meet new people, spread what love I have, and pretty much avoid the chance of becoming depressed.

So, if you are having a problem getting through this winter my advice to you is: STOP THINKING!

Making the worst into the best.

This is my first blog ever! As a matter of fact, I have only once posted a comment on a blog and that was last week. I have become interested in this form of personal communication. Although, it seems like it may feed the egos of some dying for attention, I think that it can really be used to just let go and share personal thoughts and feelings on a not so personal basis. It makes it easy to scream out what you need to say, but to only those willing to listen. Obviously, if your reading this you know better than I do.

So, lets open this first blog with probably one of the most significant events that has ever occurred in my life. This event has tortured me, made me fear, made me feel things that I have never felt before, but has opened my mind to no end. Thus, one of the most horrible and terrifying events that has occurred in my life has made me grow more than ever. I have just gotten to the point where my emotions are subsiding. I can finally think. And now for you lucky readers, I am going to share my thoughts (briefly) on this event.

The event: On December 29th, 2007, my close friend Shawn asked for my assistance in selling a PS3 to somebody that had responded to newspaper ad that he had posted. Note that he had already sold 2 via this method and this was his last counsel for sale. He asked my assistance because the neighborhood that the buyer lived in was a less than desirable place to be in city. Of course I agreed to help. As the sale progressed, the buyer checked out the merchandise, made sure that everything was there, checked the sales receipt, and decided to purchase the machine. However, when he reached into his pocket to pull out money, he pulled a gun and shot Shawn in the chest region. Shawn was rolled out of the car an ran for help. I was in the back seat behind the buyer. Luckily I had a knife within reaching distance, and without thought I began stabbing this man. I have no idea how badly I stabbed him or even if I penetrated his clothes. All I know is that my reaction saved my life by creating a situation that this thug had to get out of. Dramatic huh? And this is the abbreviated story.

Anyone can see how this event is life changing for Shawn, myself, and those who are close to us. But, damn! I used to read and hear about this kind of stuff all the time and I never thought twice about it. Now that I am a part of it all, I will never stop thinking about it.

Prior to the events I was already working my way down a path of realization. It was a ridiculously hard path to follow, with no direct rewards on the way. Now, I am literally tumbling down this path. I am finding the way that I want to live. I am becoming me. As Ram Dass would put it, I am working toward "being here now." As the the Flaming Lips would put it, I am "Embracing peace and love and mercy, instead of power and hate." It is becoming very rewarding. I am still very early on in my journey, but there is no doubt that I will continue down this path.

To those ears this is falling on who know me well, you are probably a bit shocked to hear this kind of stuff coming from me. The guy who has labeled him an agnostic and borderline atheist for years and years and years. Let me tell you all what I have learned. I still don't believe that there is one all mighty and powerful. I still don't believe in any church or its structure. What I do believe is that there is more to life than what we perceive. There is an energy within us that will always exist. We just need to become one with that energy.